Category Archives: Humour

Dunedin turns on a nice day

[Reprised from Wombaticus Ad Nauseam, October 2007.]

Unexpectedly nice weather caused havoc in Dunedin yesterday, as temperatures soared to 18 degrees.

As local radio stations advised local residents to stay inside, police fielded a number of calls from people alarmed at the presence of an intense ball of fire in the sky. “We assured them it was only the sun,” said a police spokeswoman.

By lunchtime, Dunedin hospital’s Accident and Emergency department was overwhelmed by dozens of bald-headed men with sun-burnt scalps. “Their pallid pates are particularly susceptible to the sun’s ultraviolet rays,” said a doctor, adding that most of the patients had not heard of sun-screen. “We never bothered to take our ‘Slip Slop Slap’ campaign that far south,” a spokesman for the Cancer Society acknowledged, when contacted for comment.

Emergency services were stretched to the limit as scores of pedestrians around the city succumbed to heatstroke. The Fire Service were called in to attend one casualty on St. David St., a middle-aged woman who had to be cut free from several layers of polypropylene. The Mayor reacted quickly to the sudden crisis, appealing to those in other parts of New Zealand accustomed to sunshine to send teeshirts, shorts and light cotton garments.

Fortunately for the people of Dunedin, the crisis was short-lived. By early afternoon it had clouded over, and by late afternoon the temperature had plummeted to normal levels. By evening Dunedin was being lashed by a cold southerly bringing heavy rain.

See also Area Locals Exposed to Terrifying Force of Nature: Government Refuses to Help.

How many holes?


How many holes are in this bucket?


Non-existence is not a fact, it is the absence of a fact, it is a derivative concept pertaining to a relationship, i.e., a concept which can be formed or grasped only in relation to some existent that has ceased to exist. (One can arrive at the concept ā€œabsenceā€ starting from the concept ā€œpresence,ā€ in regard to some particular existent(s); one cannot arrive at the concept ā€œpresenceā€ starting from the concept ā€œabsence,ā€ with the absence including everything.) Non-existence as such is a zero with no sequence of numbers to follow it, it is the nothing, the total blank.

— Ayn Rand, Introduction to Objectivist Topology

Waving my arms in the air

South Africa Mandela Interpreter


South Africa Mandela Interpreter

Waving my arms in the airĀ 
Love, my love, got no careĀ 
No care, no, no, pressing my feet to the groundĀ 
Stand up right where you standĀ 
Call to you and what do you doĀ 
Laying back in a chair?Ā 
She’s so high on the airĀ 
She’s so high on the airĀ 
Half and half, half and halfĀ 
All you have to do to callĀ 
Is hold her hand, stand a whileĀ 
And then smile and we’ll understandĀ 
Yes we do – yes, yes we do!Ā 
Oh what a girl I’ve got too!Ā 
Oh what a girl I’ve got too!Ā 
With her slinky look she held her tie to her hairĀ 
(and I) could see everywhereĀ 
No-one in the land, no-oneĀ 
No-one in the land, no-oneĀ 
But it rains on Saturday – cats and dogs in the hayĀ 
Stormy day, hey, heyĀ 
And you shouldn’t try to beĀ 
What you can’t beĀ 
And you shouldn’t try to beĀ 
What you can’t beĀ 
Call to you and what do you do

I am Jesus


Phew! It’s hard work trying to be *like* Jesus. Even harder work trying to actually *be* Jesus.

But at last! I’ve joined the exclusive Messiah Complex Club. My Christ delusion is complete.

I’m the latest in a long list of poor deluded fools to join the ranks.

But this time is different.

I’m the first person who thinks he’s Jesus who has logical proof to back the claim!

Here’s my argument.

(P1) I am the light of the world. – John 8:12

(P2) You are the light of the world. – Matthew 5:14

Therefore, (C) I am you and you are me.

So there you have it. Deductive proof that I am Jesus and Jesus is me. It’s a valid argument, which is to say, the conclusion follows from the premises. The premises cannot both be true and the conclusion false. And it’s sound. The premises are true. Take my Word for it.

It’s a Rock solid argument against which even the gates of Hell shall not prevail.

as ever: what is to be done?

I can do nothing without myself. I don’t know what you think you can do. (Just kidding. I read your mind. And your email.) But here are some ideas.

(1) Humour me. (Please don’t point out that I don’t have enough hair to be Jesus. That’s just cruel.)

(2) Medicate me. (Just send me the drugs. Contact me privately and I’ll give you the address.)

(3) Appeal to the last vestiges of reason in my poor deluded fool mind. (I’m probably still more rational than you’ve ever been.)

The last one’s your best shot IMOO.